The Real Hockey News

Guy With Unpronouncable Name Does Something Significant

BREAKING NEWS- Late Tuesday evening some guy with an unpronouncable name who presumably participates in this one sporting event did something so significant that some people are talking about it. Speculation even states that he did the thing so well it could set some sort of all time high mark for things of this nature. Video of the incredible accomplishment has already made its way onto that one video sharing site, where people are assumed to be watching it. In the only soundbite since the feat, the guy who did the thing had this to say, “I was really just trying for it, really working hard to do it well, and then I did it, and I was so excited.” And one of those guys from television who analyze things with their knowledgeable and witty remarks said “I’ve never seen any one do this thing the way he did there. What an amazing thing he did for this sport.” We’ll be sure to bring you more information as it becomes available.

Bunch of Coaches Fired, Inexplicably Hired by Other Teams

In a phenomena known only to the sporting sector of the employment world, several coaches who were just months ago fired for performing their jobs inadequately, were hired by other teams this week. The annual tradition commonly referred to as “coach swapping” takes place every off season amongst the worst teams in the league. Owners and general managers alike cited blind faith, a herd mentality, and persuasively large sums of money as motivating factors to continue the tradition. At the end of the season 90% of the unfit coaches expect to be fired, but will not fret because they have faith the tradition will continue.

Thornton & Lapierre to Hold First Ever Diving Camp

After another disappointing end to a playoff run, San Jose Sharks’ Joe Thornton began planning for what he hopes to be an annual event.

“I want to give back to the community, and diving is an art that not many kids are good at, so this is a way to train the future,” Thornton said during his announcement press conference.

Joining Thornton is long time friend and Canucks’ diving elite Maxim Lapierre who had this to say, “When I heard what Big Joe was doing, I thought I could lend my expertise. It’s a great thing for the future of the game.”

The camp, which has been officially named The Joe-Max School of Diving, will take place from August 1 to August 20 and is being held in San Jose. For more information, or if you would like to fill out an application to attend the camp, you can visit the Joe-Max official website.

Emery Denies Allegations of Being Black

In a strange twist to an already strange career for the goaltender, 28 year old Ray Emery faced serious allegations from fellow NHL’er Jarome Iginla early today in a bizarre interview given exclusively to TRHN.

“It’s pretty obvious. I mean, look at him. Doesn’t he look like a basketball player to you guys? He’s definitely black, and it’s time to stand up and say something.” When asked for comment on the issue, Emery simply stated,

“Black guys don’t play hockey, everyone knows that, it’s frowned upon. Hockey’s a white man’s game, that’s why I play.” After further examining Emery’s career, we uncovered startling evidence supporting the accusations he’s faced with. Often called by his nicknames “Razor” or “Sugar Ray,” he possesses several tattoos, and features primarily black boxing legends in the artwork on his mask. Emery is also widely rumored to be in a relationship with Keshia Chante, a black singer/songwriter.  We also reached out to the NHL’s first and only black player, Willie O’ree.

In an over the phone interview, a confused O’ree had the following to say, “I’m incredibly thankful, yeah, to be honored this way in Boston, it’s a real privilege to be put into a sports museum like this.”

We should mention that officially there is no rule prohibiting any race from participating in the NHL, though it is generally frowned upon and often results in mass riots like the one we saw last month in Vancouver, in response to Henrik Sedin confirming his twin brother Daniel was indeed African-American.

Penguins Sign Paul Kariya as Crosby Specialist

Just days after announcing his retirement from professional hockey, Paul Kariya has signed a multi-year deal with the Pittsburgh Penguins in what is being called ‘the first position of it’s kind.’ Kariya, who was sidelined for the 2010-2011 season due to a concussion, will take on a leadership and coaching role specifically for the Penguins star forward Sidney Crosby. Crosby, often touted as the best player in the game, missed a large chunk of the year due to a mid-season concussion and subsequent post-concussion syndrome, and is looking to get back on top of things for the coming season.

“What we’ve got here is an experienced guy who dealt with a concussion, missed a whole lot of time with it, and ultimately was not able to overcome it,” Penguins coach and this year’s Jack Adams recipient as coach of the year Dan Bylsma told reporters, “Now Sidney, he’s in the same boat, he’s got a concussion, he’s dealing with it and has missed a lot of time, and we think Paulie brings something to the table. He did exactly the opposite of what we hope Crosby to do, so it should work out great.”

In unrelated Penguins news, General Manager Ray Shero was spotted wearing a Philadelphia Flyers jersey at a bar earlier this week, and was said to be intoxicated and reportedly slurred “The Penguins would be better off without a certain player, and I’m not going to name names guys, but he wears a ‘c’ on his jersey.” Shero has vehemently denied these accusations and could not be reached for comment due to a prior engagement with Paul Holmgren.

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins Accuses NHL Central Scouting of ‘Blatant Favoritism’

Yesterday in a rink-side interview, this year’s 1st overall draft pick made several scathing comments towards the NHL’s central scouting.

“This is total BS, I’m clearly not as good as Landeskog or any of those other guys,” fumed an irate Nugent-Hopkins, “I mean seriously, I’m more like an 8th or 9th overall guy, someone that Philadelphia or Boston should have been choosing, I really don’t understand.”

Fellow draftee Adam Larsson sympathized with Hopkins saying, “Going 1st overall is typically revered as an honor in any sport, but when you end up with a team like the Oilers, I’d be pretty upset too.”

Edmonton, the winners of this year’s draft lottery for first selection, wasted no time in selecting the 18 year old, who was widely considered the best player available. The Oilers, who haven’t made the playoffs since the 2006-2007 season, failed to win even 30 games this season, drawing sharp criticism from the hockey world.

“Bottom line is, I think someone bribed the scouts, or they have a personal grudge against me or something,” spoke a clearly disappointed Hopkins, “What am I going to do on a team like this? They’re horrible. This is a waste of my time.”

Shortly after the interview Toronto GM Brian Burke expressed interest in signing the young forward and then immediately trading to Boston in exchange for a 4th round draft pick in 2014.

Khabibulin Promises Sober Play In Exchange For Community Service

Edmonton Oilers goaltender Nikolai Khabibulin, who was caught driving under the influence in February 2010, and playing under the influence nearly every night, has made an interesting plea to Edmonton authorities. The 38 year old Russian has promised to stop sneaking Vodka into his water bottle if the sentencing is lessened. Found guilty of his crimes in August, Khabibulin was given the minimum penalty of 30 days in jail. Nikolai’s attorneys quickly filed for an appeal, and the case has been stalled ever since. 

“Nikolai is just hoping to get this done with and put behind him. He’s endured a lot of Russian drinking jokes and spent a lot of time on the bench this season, and we feel that’s punishment enough.”

The plea, reportedly come up with by Khabibulin himself, is being mulled over in the Edmonton court system. A spokesperson from the courts had this to say,

“Despite the unorthodox nature of this offer, we were not quick to dismiss it, and are actively considering whether we’ll agree to it or not. Quite frankly, we’re sick of the Oilers being an embarrassment to this city, it causes us all unnecessary suffering, and having a sober goaltender between the pipes is a step in the right direction.”

Officials say to expect a decision sometime later this month, and are considering allowing Khabibulin to count minutes spent on the ice as community service to the greater people of Edmonton, Alberta, CA.

Gaborik Releases Official 2011-2012 Injury Schedule

New York Rangers forward Marian Gaborik, considered one of the fastest players in the game, announced his official injury schedule, just weeks the full NHL schedule was released. Often criticized for being weak or injury prone, Gaborik missed 20 games this year, and has never played a full 82 game season.

“I was just getting a lot of feedback from the fans about how I wasn’t playing enough and that I was always injured. I thought maybe this would lighten the blow, you know? Now they know in advance which games I’ll be missing,” lamented an enthusiastic Gaborik, “I’m hoping all this negativity and pressure will go away now so I can really just focus on getting hurt and then getting better.”

Among the highlights of the injury schedule, is Saturday, November 26th, when Gaborik will break his wrist at home against the Flyers, and miss 2-3 weeks. He also plans on missing the entire month of January with an undisclosed upper body injury, and will cap off the season by contracting the flu in time to miss the Rangers only meeting with his former team, the Minnesota Wild.

If you’d like to take a look at the full schedule for yourself, you can visit Marian’s Official Website.

Blackhawks Announce Intentions of Stanley Cup Drought Repeat; City Riots

On Wednesday Chicago Blackhawk’s General Manager Stan Bowman called together a press conference after receiving harsh criticism from around the league. The negative comments were spurred by the ‘Hawks loss of yet another player, Tomas Kopecky, from their 2010 Stanley Cup championship team. Kopecky became one of 16 players to leave the franchise since hoisting the Cup last year. After nearly missing the playoffs this year, Bowman’s capabilities came under intense fire, which only grew once they were eliminated in the first round. During the conference, Bowman had this to say,

“I know it may look like I have no idea what I’m doing, and I know that Chicago fans around the world may be furious at me, and I don’t blame them, but I’m making a commitment. I’m planning for the future. I spent every last penny we could afford to sign the best players, so that we could end Chicago’s 49 year long Stanley Cup drought, and that’s exactly what we did. The city pulled together in massive celebration, and we were on top of the world. We were heroes of the city. It is my concern that this will be taken for granted and become cheapened if we do well consistently. That the next generation of hockey fans will not know what a world without Lord Stanley’s Cup is like. Therefore I have done everything in my power to assure that this organization enters another long Stanley Cup drought. We will triumph again, just in 50 years or so when the time is right.”

Understandably outraged Blackhawks’ fans took to the streets and began rioting, chanting for and demanding Bowman’s head, and threatening the lives of players who choose to leave in the future. After riot police were dispatched, the crowds were calmed down substantially and damage was kept to a minimum according to the city’s police chief.

When asked for further comment regarding the fan reaction, Bowman simply grinned.

Ference, Salei, Lebda Named 2012 Norris Finalists

Unquestionably the top 3 defesemen in the game, Andrew Ference, Ruslan Salei, and Brett Lebda were seemingly snubbed during the 2011 Norris nominations. Facing intense criticism from fans throughout the sports world for what is being called “a flagrant display of league bias” the NHL took measures today to reassure the public of its commitment to honoring the best players around the league in this official statement.

“We realize there was great error in the 2011 Norris Trophy candidate selection process. In hindsight, drawing names out of a hat wasn’t the best of ideas. Today we’ve taken steps to ensure that the right people are rewarded at the conclusion of next season. I think it’s very apparent that after the remarkable seasons these 3 gentlemen had that they are the ones truly deserving of recognition. Let’s face it, no one else was going to perform better than them next season anyway, they simply possess more natural talent than any other defensemen. That’s why today we’re announcing that the 2012 Norris Trophy Finalists will be Andrew Ference, Ruslan Salei, and Brett Lebda.”

Arguably considered the front runner for this award, veteran defender Ruslan Salei had this to say,”Following the best season of my storied career, I really felt I had done enough to earn a nod from the league, so I was understandably upset when I didn’t. I thank the NHL for attempting to restore it’s integrity with this decision.”

The Red Wings’ Salei managed to amass an incredibly 2 goals and 8 assists in just 75 games during the 2011 regular season, a pace so torrid that he’s been nicknamed “Defense’s Gretzky.”

“He had a really great season, and it’s hard to think he wont win, but maybe I have a chance.” were the words from the Boston Bruins’ own Andrew Ference. Ference managed to put up slightly better numbers than Salei in slightly fewer games on his way to leading his team to Stanley Cup glory. However, his spotless reputation was tarnished during a hand gesturing incident resulting in a fine from the league. Many believe this renders his chances of winning slim.

Perhaps the only bright spot of a struggling Toronto team, Brett Lebda led all players with with a whopping 1 goal and 3 assists in just 41 games. Heralded as the city’s most respected player, and overwhelming fan favorite, Lebda was humble in his comments following the news. “I wasn’t really sure why I wasn’t nominated last year, but I just went with the flow like I do on the ice. I think my play says everything, I really just don’t care. It’s nice to get some recognition, but I don’t expect to win.”

While the 2012 Award ceremony is nearly a year off, debate about who will win this storied award given to the league’s best defensive player is sure to rage on up until the announcement, begging the question: Who do you think will win?